Over-Apologizing: Strategies to End the Habit
As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Asking Questions
This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.
Understanding the Roots
A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.
Benefits of Counseling
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.
Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.
Actionable Tips
Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.
Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.
This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.
